Hooked on emotional cycles. How to grow together in a relationship rather than surviving separately.

You rarely hear about this kind of addiction, but it is just as real as alcoholism, drug addiction, or gambling. Have you ever wondered why some people repeatedly choose toxic, abusive partners —

and stay with them, even when it’s deeply harmful? I was one of those people. I chose a partner who treated me in ways nobody deserves: with gaslighting and psychological abuse.

You may not realize that you can become addicted to the chemical substances your own body releases in response to these dynamics.

For people like me, especially those raised in dysfunctional or alcoholic families, our bodies became accustomed to cycles of uncertainty,

tension, and emotional highs and lows from early childhood. Living in that constant state of stress and emotional turbulence

wires the brain to expect — and even seek out — the chemical “rush” that comes with drama, chaos, or reconciliation.

This kind of relationship addiction means that turmoil becomes strangely familiar, and sometimes even feels safer than peace or stability.

Growing up in a household shaped by alcoholism meant there was always uncertainty, tension, and unpredictable swings between emotional extremes.

These cycles conditioned me to seek out what felt familiar — the ups and downs, the anxiety, and the temporary relief of reconciliation.

As a result, I became “hooked” not on a substance, but on the emotional roller coaster itself.

This is the pattern I want to zoom in on: how early experiences with chaos and instability can set us up to feel drawn to toxic relationships, repeating harmful patterns that echo our past.

These dynamics are rarely discussed, but understanding them is essential for recognizing the signs of relationship addiction —

and for beginning the process of healing and breaking free from these damaging cycles.

About five years ago, my relationship began to heal as I started working on myself and addressing my traumas.

My partner was on his own healing journey as well. For me, much of that healing came through self-awareness:

I focused on observing my own reactions, thoughts, and emotions as they arose, hoping to understand and heal their roots in my childhood.

But… I later realized that, although I was intensely focused on what was happening in the present, I failed to see the bigger picture. I might have uncovered why specific situations triggered me, but each of those situations was only a small part of something much larger and more complex.

The patterns I was reacting to were woven into a broader, more intricate tapestry than I initially understood.

I realized that some days, I am loving, kind, and affectionate with my partner, while other days feel like I’m just waiting for something to happen

— constantly on guard, watching his moods and behavior. There were also days when the tension finally broke and we’d have a “talk” about his behavior, during which I demanded better treatment and urged him to change this or that.

Sometimes there were tears, but not always.

I used to view these different days collectively, seeing them as a single pattern rather than examining each of them in detail.

Over time, I recognized that this pattern was familiar to me from my childhood. There were days when I felt relatively okay — though never entirely safe.

Then would come a period of waiting, always anticipating that something would go wrong. In fact, expecting something bad to happen became the only constant I could rely on.

There were days when Dad came home drunk, and we had to go out searching for him.

Essentially, my life has always been defined by these emotional ups and downs. My body became accustomed to the emotions and the chemical substances released during these cycles.

The reason I chose this partner was, in some way, to repeat and get hooked on those familiar feelings. That’s all I knew growing up, and I eventually realized that I was addicted to this pattern.

When I was loving towards my partner, the feeling was so intense — there was nothing calm or peaceful about it.

It was all passion and heightened emotion, everything turned up to its highest setting!

On the other hand, when I found myself observing him or ‘taking notes’ of his bad behaviours, I felt a different kind of intensity: a mix of being hurt and mistreated, of blaming and feeling wounded.

But even these emotions were just as strong and overwhelming.

And when I tried to talk to him, hoping to change him, those moments, too, were filled with intensity — charged with frustration, hope, and desperation. As you can see, intensity has been a constant feature in all aspects of the relationship, whether I was loving, hurting, or trying to fix things; there was never any true peace or sense of balance.

How do you fix your relationship? The answer lies in awareness — and in both partners genuinely wanting change.

You can’t transform a relationship on your own, no matter how much you want to.

This was something I had to learn myself. Relationships are built on interaction; whatever new approach you take, your partner will often unconsciously steer things back to the old, familiar dynamic.

They, too, are attached to the comfort of those patterns — even if those patterns are unhealthy.

For real change to happen, both people must recognize and acknowledge their own roles in the cycle.

Awareness is the first step, for both partners. Only after this realization can the real work begin: a commitment to awareness and a willingness to embrace what might, at first, feel like “boredom.”

In reality, this means choosing calm, stable, measured reactions over emotional intensity

By refusing to feed the old cycles of drama and adrenaline, you start teaching your body and mind to let go of the chemical highs that come with intensity.

Importantly, peaceful doesn’t have to mean dull. You can travel, try new things, share adventures — externally, your life can be vibrant and joyful.

But internally, you aim to cultivate peace, stability, and emotional safety for both yourself and your partner.

The most profound transformation comes when you both decide to break free from old habits and choose lasting inner calm over fleeting intensity — building a relationship that is secure, enriching, and truly healing.