Unlocking Self-Confidence and Human Motivation Amidst Love and Fear
Motivation and self-confidence are two sides of the same psychological coin, each feeding into and fueling the other. When you don’t trust yourself, your motivation often drops. And when you feel stuck, it usually stems from a lack of self-confidence. Motivation builds self-confidence, and self-confidence, in turn, sparks motivation. This inner currency is minted either by love and passion or by fear and trauma. Whichever force forges that coin ultimately shapes not only what we pursue but who we become in the process.
1. What’s your motivation?
We are motivated by love and passion or by fear and trauma. Yet we rarely dwell on the reasons behind our actions, as long as they seem to serve us and those around us. Understanding the intention behind our actions is essential because it shapes how we live, not just what we do. Two individuals may hold the same position at the same company and appear to be at the same stage in their careers, but what brought them there and shaped who they are is far more significant. It’s not the place that defines the journey; it’s the reason you chose to be there.
Did you get here because of fear?
Motivation driven by fear is like trying to outrun a nightmare. When something terrifying is chasing you, you run fast, fueled by urgency and adrenaline. Fear holds immense power. Often, what we’re truly afraid of is our own pain: the trauma we haven’t dared to face. For me, that trauma whispered, ‘You’re not intelligent enough,’ and ‘You’re only worthy of love if you know things.’ That belief system propelled me into relentless achievement. Over eight years, I completed five bachelor’s degrees—while working full-time and raising two children. The sheer energy and drive that fear gave me were staggering. It launched me like a slingshot, and I took off. My self-confidence didn’t skyrocket, though; it rose only slightly. Deep down, I knew I had to confront my biggest fear. So, I turned around, went back, and finally fought the battle of my life. Healing that trauma became my greatest victory. And it was only by stepping into the fire of that fight that I gained self-confidence beyond anything I’d ever known.
Were you pulled by love and passion?
Love is the opposite of fear. While being motivated by fear and trauma, you are pushed with enormous strength. Love, however, is more subtle and gentle. Love does not push, it pulls. Love and passion drive us toward meaning, creativity, and connection. When motivation is rooted in love, we strive for what excites us, what aligns with our values, and what makes us feel alive. You move forward because you care deeply about a purpose, a person, a vision, or even about who you're becoming. This type of motivation requires consistent care. Fear is fueled by trauma, an intense, painful energy that lives within us. Love, on the other hand, draws its strength from our soul’s blueprint. It may not carry the same raw intensity as fear, which is why we must tend to it gently by staying connected to our true purpose.
2. Why are some people not motivated at all?
Without self-confidence, motivation is low. When we don’t believe in ourselves, believing in something good happening to us in the future is often the first thing to disappear. This is why self-confidence is crucial to nurturing a sense of possibility, and possibility is what keeps us moving forward. When we believe in ourselves, we’re more likely to dream, to begin, and to persist. Self-confidence is the soil in which hope and ambition take root; without it, even the brightest ideas struggle to grow.
3. Where did my self-confidence go?
Self-confidence is earned, not given. It’s built each time we fall and stand back up, when we keep going even through exhaustion, and when we try, despite not knowing how. That’s how self-confidence is forged. We prove to ourselves that we can handle difficulty, that we’re resilient, and that we can be trusted to show up for ourselves. There are many reasons why we lose the inner warrior within us, the voice that says, ‘You can do it.’ Without it, we stop collecting the experiences that teach our subconscious we are someone we can rely on.
Trauma and emotional wounds
People who were brought up in dysfunctional families might have been taught not to expect good things. Their every moment of joy was quickly shattered. As adults, they may find themselves unconsciously sabotaging their own joy, unable to trust that good things can last. It’s not because they don’t want to be happy, but because happiness feels foreign, even dangerous. Self-confidence and motivation often struggle to grow in soil where joy was once punished, and trust felt unsafe.
Constant failure or rejection
Too many knockdowns without time to recover can quietly dismantle a person’s self-belief. When life delivers setback after setback without space to rest, reflect, or heal, the nervous system begins to brace for disappointment as a default. The mind learns to expect failure, not as an exception, but as the outcome. And over time, effort becomes emotionally entangled with pain.
Instead of associating trying with learning, growth, or resilience, we start connecting it with shame, exhaustion, and futility. Phrases like “What’s the point?” or “It never works out anyway” don’t come from laziness, they’re protective.
Internalized criticism
Growing up in an environment where you are constantly being criticized, either explicitly or implicitly, programs you into believing you are not good enough or maybe ‘too much.’ It changes the way we perceive ourselves. The bruises we got from every comment, criticism, disappointed glance, or withheld approval, when the sense of self is still forming, don’t just stay external. They sink in. In adult life, we tend to internalize these lies we heard about ourselves, and we become our own critique. This is how the courageous inner voice, the one that says, “Go for it,” “You’ve got this,” or “Try again,” gets silenced. Not because we lack bravery, but because we were trained to expect disapproval, and so we shrink.
Learned helplessness
Learned helplessness is a state where people believe they don’t have any control over their situation. When someone tries multiple times and fails each time, they begin to internalize the belief that their efforts are useless. Eventually, they stop trying entirely, even in situations where success might now be possible. Originally studied in the 1960s by psychologist Martin Seligman, the phenomenon was first observed in animals, but it applies to humans in profound ways, especially those who've faced chronic adversity or repeated failure.
Cultural or social conditioning
Society plays an important role in forming our self-confidence. Cultural ideals of success or beauty can create constant comparison, making people feel like they’re never enough. Also, when stepping outside the norm is met with judgment or exclusion, people may suppress their authentic selves, leading to self-doubt. Some social environments discourage speaking up, especially for women or marginalized groups. Over time, this can create the belief that your voice doesn’t matter.
4. How to become self-confident and motivated by love?
Follow the path of inspiration and keep moving forward
There are countless tips and tricks to boost self-confidence, but the kind that’s unshakable is forged in hardship. Instead of running from fear and trauma, find something that lights up your soul and body. Discover it, and plan to nurture it. Let it become your compass and your fuel. Build your life around what brings you aliveness, not just what brings you safety. Let that spark guide your choices, your healing, and your growth. Because when you follow what truly awakens your spirit, fear no longer leads the way, love does.
Taking physical action toward your passion will strengthen both your self-confidence and your motivation. The truth is that this path isn’t easy. You’ll have to face your fears and do things that might seem impossible to those watching your life from the outside. But by staying on this road, you give yourself living proof that you can do it, even when it’s hard, even when it’s uncertain.
If this resonates with something deep inside you, if you're tired of shrinking, doubting, or silencing your voice, know this: change is possible. True confidence doesn’t come from quick fixes. It’s built from within, through love, clarity, and courageous action. That’s exactly what my coaching is designed to support. Explore my 1:1 coaching offer and take the first loving step toward the most confident, expressive version of yourself.